Lessons From The Sahara Desert

December 17, 2008

Following my repeated failed attempts at finding an employer foolish enough to pay me to waste their time – there is a dearth of stupid people with money these days – I have finally succumbed to the clutches of household chores. I have embarked on this seemingly impossible mission, for me, to learn to cook edible food without severely damaging the output and/or severely damaging the human being who would eat the output.

Today was my first lesson, in the hot sweltering kitchen located in the Sahara Desert, as it felt to me. Much to my mother’s and several other people’s surprise, I was the one who initiated this experiment of attempting this feat much beyond my reach. It’s close to noon and my mom finds the groggy me broaching the subject of keeping myself occupied in this terrible bout of unemployment. Sensing a rare opportunity to trap me in this ‘you-need-to-learn-to-cook’ scheme, which was hatched by the whole family the day I was born, she suggested that I finally make fruitful use of this sabbatical by learning something (read: cooking). No way out, and I surrendered.

Little did I know we had to start the process pronto, like, then and there. Abandoning the book I was reading, I rushed to the Sahara Desert answering mom’s holler from the deep inferno. The smoke billowed, it obstructed my view, my lungs convoluted with my deep coughs and yet I marched on and finally found mom. Beaming with pride, mom adopted the role of a gentle nun teacher and proceeded to explain the intricacies of the functions that go into making a dish that is fit to be consumed by a human being.

After half an hour of chopping, cutting, kneading, simmering (food and us), tossing, frying, sprinkling and dropping all the utensils atleast once (by me), two dishes were ready to be served with much flourish. Fried potato and some bhaji I don’t know the name of. I just blindly, yet diligently, followed mom’s gentle instructions, and memorised them too.

How did I find the whole experience? I would have to say, brainless. I was bored with all the cutting, chopping, et al. However, the end result did make my chest puff up with pride, notwithstanding the fact that my involvement was robotic in the whole process. One thing that needs to be improved is that there is no entertainment in the Sahara Desert. The need of the hour for us, liberated womenfolk, is to introduce the concept of TV being installed in the Sahara Desert.

Yes, this is what I learnt from my experiment today. TV in the kitchen is the new need.

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5 Ways To Get Out Of Paying For A Date

December 7, 2008

Since the inception of the civilization as we know it, we, womenfolk, have been endlessly and relentlessly fighting for our rights and demanding equality with men. However, since boys will be boys and men will be… well, jerks, we need to throw this equality mumbo jumbo out the window and face the world with a strong heart and immaculate make up on our faces. We need to teach these guys an important lesson on how to treat women respectfully. We need to bring the pig back in male chauvinist pig. We need to find ways to not pay on that first date. Screw 20th century and the independent woman shit; women have never and will never pay for their food. I have put together a list of infallible tactics that women can use to get out of paying for the first date.

1. This is the oldest trick in the book. All you have to do is, wear the most flattering dress and make sure he takes you to a 5 star restaurant. Once you get there, order the most expensive dish on the menu, it doesn’t matter if you like it or not. Once the whole dinner is done (including deserts), softly whisper in his ear, “I’ll be back from the restroom. Need to touch up my make up for tonight *wink*” and walk away (make sure you take your bag with you). Break out of the bathroom window and go home.

Everyone knows about this trick and 9 out 10 of us even think of this on our first date, and yet, women are continuing to pay for the food they eat! Why?

2. If breaking out of the window and running away seems cowardly to you, you can try is ultra new trick that requires only a certain amount of cunning from you. Before you reach the restaurant all you have to do is, steal the guy’s money. Since you are quite chummy with him and know where he keeps his money, this shouldn’t be much of a hassle. All you need is sleight of hands, that’s it. Once you got his money, you can don the role of independent, liberal woman when the cheque arrives and pay for the both of you. You kill two birds with one stone here. For one, he will respect you for you liberal thinking and second, you would save money.

3. If you are the type who doesn’t believe in “No pain. No gain”, then this one is for you. In this, all you need is above average acting skills. Make sure you go to a restaurant wherein you are able to view the outdoors from the dining area. Once the dinner is done and he seems to be getting ready to make eye contact with the waiter to call for cheque, you need to look out the window/door towards the parking area and yell! “They are towing my car!” Hurriedly take your bag and run out of the restaurant before he realises you guys didn’t bring a car, certainly not yours, because you don’t have one. Once out, keep running for 5 to 10 blocks, hail a cab and go home.

4. However, if your acting skills are as good as Katrina Kaif wonly, then you may not be able to pull the above trick off. We bring you guys, no wait, girls, a whole new trick because Every Woman Deserves Free Food (atleast on that first date). In this, all you need to do know is, how to apply make up. So, now after the eating is done with, get up to go to the restroom (he would take this as one of those mandatory visits girls make after eating every bite). Needless to say, you will take your bag with you and even more needless to say, you would have your whole make up kit in it and plus a change of clothes. Once inside the restroom, change clothes and apply as much make up as your face can take and expertly disguise yourself. Then, with an exuberant confidence walk out the restaurant leaving him to fend for himself.

5. Now this one is for the hardcore adventurous types, who are just dying to eat free food. This is the ultimate trick in the history of all tricks. If you can pull this off, you can do absolutely anything at all. All you have to do here is, show up at the date with no clothes on. Yes, you heard me, naked. If you go to the restaurant naked, there is no way in the world that the guy will even think of asking you to pay for the dinner. Chances are that the restaurant may not even charge you for the food. This way you save his money and yours!

Warning: Tamanna is not responsible for any physical, mental, personal, legal, etc tragedy that may befall anyone as result of carrying out the above mentioned tricks in anyway. Please undertake them at your own risk alone. Thank you!